I recently posted on Instagram about an exhibition I did in 2011 at The Ark T Centre in Oxford. I gathered some useful household objects with an obvious purpose for example, a dustpan and brush, mallet, washing up brush, shower head and colander as well as a few others. Then I painted them and mounted them on clean white canvases so that they could ‘rest’ from their purpose. I gave the objects titles which alluded to the state of rest they were in and the colander was called ‘Totally Drained’. I also had captions and quotes around the walls and alongside paintings I’d done.
The aim of this exhibition was to highlight the importance of being still. It is in this state of stillness that we are often confronted with ourselves and the reality of our lives and it can be scary. I think we are sometimes afraid of stillness. However, what I really wanted people to take from the exhibition was permission to stop and rest. For a long time I think I have been aware of the human inclination to try and prove ourselves, myself included. As a child, my Dad called me his ‘ray of sunshine’ because I had so much joy and freedom and used to dance and sing through life. I had nothing to prove. I simply loved being alive! Then along came exam pressure, teenage angst and overwhelm! I totally flunked my O’Levels and scraped a minimum to get myself to sixth form. I felt the failure on the day I opened my results, deep in my stomach and cried hard. It had a lasting impact on me and I went through a time of purposelessness and lack of confidence. The one thing I was very good at though, was partying! I went nightclubbing at least once a week, sometimes 3 times and suddenly discovered how much I loved being with people, dancing, laughing and living wildly. In many ways, even though it was not a particularly healthy way to live, I was able to re connect with my joyful self.
Throughout this time, when I was in a bit of a wilderness and working in various shop jobs (I left sixth form before finishing all my A’Levels with just one in Art!) I never felt any pressure from my parents, I just knew they were concerned in the background and wanted me to be happy and find my own path through it all. I took a rocky way around but found the spark again when I saw all the art students from the foundation course at my local collage, walking down the high street carrying their portfolios and little kit boxes, wearing charity shop clothes and knew they were my tribe. This was not the end of my road of humiliation though and on the foundation course I was not the most talented student and had no idea what ‘fine art’ was so I stuck with graphic design thinking it was the best way to use a creative skill to go and get a job afterwards! I applied for a graphics degree and by some miracle (I charmed the interview panel with my quirky dress sense and clever pre knowledge of the course leader’s preferences!) was accepted but the humiliation continued as I was totally unsuited to the course and failed over and over again because of trying to fit into the wrong shaped hole. I eventually found my way onto the Fine Art course and the sense of ‘coming home’, was a huge relief! The tutors were so kind and encouraging, I still sometimes wonder why they were so nice to me!
Why am I writing about all this? I think it is because I know I am not the only person who has had experiences which have embedded a deep sense of personal failure which are hard to shake off. It has made me feel, time and time again, that I must not drop the ball, and the pressure of that is immense. I’m not a natural workaholic - I am the opposite! Offer me a fun day out and I’ll say yes every time! I work hard at what I do now, I’ve learnt some good habits, but I often suffer from imposter syndrome. I regularly think I’m a bit flaky and don’t push myself hard enough but what am I measuring myself against? What is it any of us is measuring ourselves against?
My inclination is always to enjoy life and to live within the rhythms of the natural world but I also feel the pressure to keep up with everyone who seems to be working so much harder and achieving so much more than me! I am very aware of the importance of knowing my own energy levels and the amount of ‘rest’ time I need. I enjoy achieving things as much as anyone does but I sometimes go beyond the realms of my own resources and then have to take time to recover.
It is hard to swim in the opposite direction to the way others are, it can make us feel all sorts of fomo and self doubt but the more we make it a habit and an acceptable culture to live within, perhaps more will join us in the un-pressured, more restful and enjoyable way of life. Rest, play, work, rest, play, work, rest…
